ZAM: Lookin’ for Love
Shamblin’ Dave has joined Zombie Harmony in hopes of finding his undead soulmate!
Disclaimer: ZombieHarmony is for zombies only. We advise signing up for ZombieHarmony only if you lack a pulse, have limited motor skills, or feel an intense desire to feast on human beings. We are not responsible for lost or ingested loved ones. If you go on a date with a zombie, we cannot be held liable for contributing to the apocalypse.
Please date responsibly: bring a baseball bat or crowbar.
These required selection fields will help him narrow down his perfect match.
He’ll have to state whether he’s a [slow-moving, fast-moving or immobile] zombie with [all, some or no limbs intact] seeking a [slow-moving, fast-moving or immobile] zombie who is [freshly turned, somewhat rotten or VERY rotten]. Additional options include: an interest in gnawing, lumbering and/or groaning.
And, in case he gets adventurous and decides to try for a human girlfriend, I’ve given him these helpful hints:
1. Freshen yourself up a little. Just because the flesh is rotting from your bones is no reason to let yourself go. Perfume, cologne, and liquid chlorine bleach can go a long way towards masking those embarrassing carrion odors. In a pinch, try hanging a pine air freshener around your neck.
2. If your date introduces you to his or her parents, try to be understanding of their reservations and unease. Also, don’t eat them.
3. Brains are pure protein, but they’re also high in calories and leave your breath smelling like offal. Try eating the occasional salad.
4. Clothes make the zombie. Throw away those tattered rags you were buried in and slip into something fun and trendy. A smart jacket or baggy sweater can cover up those embarrassing internal organs, and a jaunty scarf will draw the eye from your missing lower jaw. Don’t be afraid to accessorize!
5. If you decide to let that special someone hold your hand, make sure it’s still attached to your wrist.
6. Avoid discussing religion. In the greater scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter whether the Zombie Apocalypse was caused by a radioactive plague or some kind of voodoo curse.
7. Try to come up with activities that the two of you can enjoy together. Since your activities are pretty much limited to shambling and incoherent moaning, this may prove difficult at first. Slow walks and karaoke are always good suggestions.
8. Don’t undertip. Nobody likes a cheapskate.
9. Don’t leave voicemail messages. It doesn’t matter how in to you they are; nobody wants to listen to half an hour of “gaaarrrrrg,” “uuuurrrrrrr,” and “aaaaaaargh.”
10. If your date shows up with a gun, odds are he or she is planning to break up with you. Try not to let them shoot you in the head.