ZAM: Know Thy Enemy
Bizarre things are happening around you and you can’t figure out why though you have your suspicions. Just this morning your married next door neighbour tried to give you a hicky before you pushed them away and they fell onto the fence, spikes piercing their eyes. Yeah, gross but it was an accident and not the only one. Driving to work you run over someone. You panic. No one was around so you sped away hoping no one notices the dent in the hood. The streets are oddly empty for rush hour though you’ve seen a couple of people stumbling around and a few lying unmoving on the ground covered in what you hope is red paint. It’s a bit early for drinking and you’ve never been one for denial. That ain’t paint and the “branch” next to one body ain’t never been part of a tree. Trees don’t bleed. Thinking about it, you remember the smell of your neighbour and their pale and dishevelled appearance. You get out your gun and ammo from underneath the driver’s seat as a group of people appear on the horizon. Are they alive or are they walking targets? What’s the difference?
Once you can discern the living from the dead you need to figure out which of the zombies are the biggest threats and therefore need to be put down first.
Now, you’re unlikely to see any “Thriller” types around, they’re quite rare I’m afraid. Michael Jackson trained those especially for his video. I’d class them as a kind of non-standard undead. Anyway, it’s the “Runners” you ought to worry about. If you don’t pay attention they’ll be on you in the blink of an eye, tearing away at your flesh. Limbless, and sometimes torsoless, “Crawlers” or “ankle-biters” may be slow but they’re stealthy buggers. Remember to look at the ground regularly and even up above. These things can come from anywhere, don’t automatically assume their honorable enough to come at you from the front. Check the rear too. [Steph: Ankle-biters? Ames, your comparing zombies to kids. I don’t think parents would appreciate that. Ames: So? Kids can be zombies too. They can be anyone: a close relative, a friend, your lover. Anyone.]
When you encounter a zombie shoot it in the HEAD. Anywhere else and it’s a wasted bullet. If you’ve no guns or bullets, destroy the brain any way you can: blunt force trauma i.e. a good head bludgeoning, explosion or incineration. Set those bastards ablaze! It’s not illegal anymore so have at it. Go on. You know you’ve always wanted to.
Enemies have aims and zombies are no different. Their wants consist of one thing:
Humans have been knocked off the top of food chain. Zombies are the kings of the concrete jungle now so it will be useful to know what kind of bait you might require in order to evade or fend them off now and then so here’s some pointers. (What? You’re bitten buddy’s dead. Might as well put his remains to good use. He won’t mind.)
1) HEAD: Zombies absolutely love brains. There are multiple theories why, including glial cell consumption for brain regeneration.
2) TORSO: The torso is like a goody bag of organs. What’s not to love?
3) THIGH: Full of dark meat, the thigh can keep a zombie satisfied for hours due to the high muscle and fat content.
4) HIPS: Generally high in fat content. The hips many times carry some of the organ content of the torso. (Whatever could that mean? Think about it.)
5) UPPER ARM: Zombies enjoy biceps and triceps and occasionally find a shoulder attached.
6) LOWER LEG: Mostly bony. This part of the leg may have a good-sized calf muscle.
7) LOWER ARM: Generally avoided because of the low meat content. Can be fun to snack on.
Anywhere there’s large population of humans there will be hordes of zombies so leaving those areas is imperative. Town and city centres are to be avoided. Hospitals too. If you get bit, shoot yourself or have someone do it for you because you will turn into the very thing you’re fighting. Eating a bullet is a prettier way to go. Believe me. If you suspect you’ve all ready joined the zombie ranks please run through the following checklist. It may save the remaining lives of those you love.
Rob Sacchetto’s The Zombie Handbook: How to Identify the Living Dead and Survive the Coming Zombie Apocalypse
Helium’s How to Identify a Zombie
Andrew Paulo’s How to Identify a Zombie
Zombies in Plain English, a short instructional video
A couple of revision sheets:
A Self-Instruction Manual to Surviving a Zombie Attack
3 Steps to Surviving Zombie Infestation
Zombie Emergency Procedure
Or lose it to Zombie Santa!