ZAM: Freaky Friday
Haha! It’s Friday, time for some fun!
Flicking through books all week to the consternation of the librarians (it’s not my fault I leave boldily fluids on the pages) I’ve found some chuckle-worthy reads.
First this delightful children’s book called Pat the Zombie :
Ah, damn. The cover says it’s for adults not children. The kiddies need not be afraid of us, they should learn to put their delicious fingers in our mouths. Easy food, just how we like it.
Speaking of food, Zombie Cupcakes worries me. Are you humans making cupcakes out of our flesh now? Because that just won’t do. We eat you, not the other way around.
The cupcake craze is still going full blast, and the invasion of cupcake shops spreads across the planet. But if there’s one thing that sticks in the throat, it’s that those cupcakes are so damn cutesy. Zombie Cupcakes will rise up through the ranks of sugary-sweet cupcake books by featuring a ghoulish army of delicious little creations that are anything but sugar-coated. Recipes range from Zombie Flesh, to Zombie Brain, Gravestones, Maggots, Night of the Living Cupcake, 28 Cupcakes Later, and more! The recipes feature complete cooking and icing techniques, along with full-color photos and even illustrations of some of the more difficult techniques, making the book perfect for beginners and more accomplished pastry chefs alike. Each recipe also features a difficulty rating, prep time, and cooking time, and sidebars of zombie trivia will be sprinkled throughout the book.
Oh, apparently I have it wrong. The cupcakes are shaped like us rather than made from our entrails. Better, much better. Let’s hope no one graduates to the real thing.
I’m going to assume the same of Zombie Felties and Zombie Felties: How to Raise 16 Gruesome Felt Creatures from the Undead
Nicola Tedman and Sarah Skeate awaken their inner George A. Romero and focus their creative attention on the malleable, fuzzy softness of felt inside Zombie Felties: How to Raise 16 Gruesome Felt Creatures from the Undead. Inside, crafters will find instructions for more than 15 zombie creatures, including a Romero-esque Day of the Dead Zombie. Additional Zombie Feltie projects include:
* Zombie Bride
* Zombie Puppy
* Vampire Zombie
* Zombie Bunny
* Folklore Zombie
* Zombie Surfer, and more!
With only the most basic of sewing skills, crafters can raise their own macabre multitude of Zombie Feltie creations from the undead with an average construction time of less than one hour per pattern. Each design includes a full-color photograph of the finished project, as well as an illustrated, instructional overview, pattern diagrams, and a convenient list of everything needed to complete the project.
Zombie Feltie friends can be customized with limitless embellishments and they make great Halloween decorations, party favors, finger puppets, key rings, and even mobile phone mascots. Get ready to shudder as you stitch!
So that’s cooking and crafts now for some real fun:
Fresh brains roasting on an open fire . . .
Outside the temperature’s dropping. The snow is falling, blanketing the world in white. Sleigh bells are jingling. Soon it will be that most wondrous time of the year!
That time of flesh-devouring zombie horror!
Yes, Christmas is on its way—and all the little boys and ghouls are dreaming of stockings filled with candied eyes and bleeding body parts. You’d better watch out! Santa Claws is coming to town—and he knows who’s been naughty, who’s been naughtier . . . and who’ll taste best with a nice glass of Chianti!
In celebration of this merry macabre season, we present a peerless compendium of more than two dozen of the most soul-stirring, brain-boiling carols composed specifically for the decomposing. Holiday favorites such as “I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus,” “Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally,” and “We Three Spleens” are guaranteed to lift the spirits of the lumbering, shuffling undead and their temporarily still breathing meals-to-be. So put down your gore-splattered baseball bats and raise your voices in song! And sing loudly—to drown out all the screaming.
But if you can’t understand the words of the carols we have this little gem, How to Speak Zombie: A Guide for the Living
In a world overtaken by zombies, the only hope for survival lies in learning the language of the undead. How to Speak Zombie demonstrates how to blend in and avoid being eaten while carrying on with everyday activities like ordering a latte from a zombarista and shopping at a zombie-infested mall. This essential guide features an electronic sound module that demonstrates proper zombie pronunciation (‘RAHHHhh!’), helpful text that explores the customs and etiquette of the zombie world, and detailed illustrations that show the undead doing everything from pumping iron to dancing the night away. Deeply informative, this handbook also includes an all-purpose BRAINS button that can be used in any situation, deadly or otherwise.
This book will also help you understand this next book, Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A Book of Zombie Love Songs
Zombies have feelings, too. . .
Sure, losing a limb doesn’t faze them in the slightest, but a zombie’s rotting heart can still break just like anybody else’s. Yes, it’s true: Zombies need loving! And this soul-stirring collection of more than two dozen classic love songs is just the ticket for zombie romantics everywhere.
Because Zombies Need Love too, which we’ll be covering in more detail in a couple of weeks time.
Have a good weekend, folks! I know I will.
From your friendly neighbourhood zombie, Shamblin’ Dave